December 16, 2013

Things I've been afraid to publish

A few days ago Kym from Travel Babbles wrote this lovely post. She threw caution to the wind and let it all out. I must say it was amazing to see how open she was being, to often we decide to take the easier path and post the good things in our lives. The fun parts, exciting news and life's good moments. What about the rest, the bad moments, dark days and all the ugly business that comes with adult life.

I have been struggling myself these last 6 months but haven't wanted to share this. I didn't want to be negative. I also didn't want to be judged or for you to pity me. Kym suggested that we all open up, be brave enough to say exactly what is on our mind. So be kind, don't judge me to much and remember that we all have dark days.

1) I feel like Jason and I are cursed. Since returning from Australia we have had so much bad luck.

2) Its exhausting trying to be positive all the time. I let myself wallow in self pity for two days and I felt so much better afterwards.

3) I get anxiety when I think about settling down. I love Jason and want to be with him for the rest of my life, but the thought of staying in one place for more then a couple of years is depressing to me. Jason is so great and is always open to going anywhere with me. I need to learn to somehow get over this anxiety so we can both have the life we want.

4) I had a panic attack when I had to sign a three year contract for my phone. How am I suppose to sign on for a mortgage.

5) When I got sick and ended up in the hospital in July I lost at least ten pounds. Ever since I have been struggling to gain it all back, I can't afford to lose any weight. But I feel like I can't talk about my struggles with gaining weight because everyone will think I'm bragging about being smaller. I'm not, I just want to be healthy.

6) We are currently living with Jason's parents. As much as I am grateful that they are allowing us to live with them until we save up for our own place I hate living in a small town. It was fine when it was warm out but now that its winter I am going stir crazy.

7) Jason work on a rig, meaning he works away for two weeks and comes home for one. But due to unforeseen circumstances its been just over three weeks since we have seen each other. He also might not make it home for Christmas or even New Years depending on when they need him and how they schedule things.

8) I am lonely. Since leaving for Australia May 2012 Jason and I have spent pretty much everyday together, so this separation is extremely hard. I don't mind spending time by myself, in fact I relish it most days, but living in a small town where I don't know anyone and Jason being away is really not ideal.

9) I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with myself next year. Apart from a few classes I would like to take I have no idea. Compared to everyone else that talks about their amazing careers I feel like I am so behind.

Ok. Well I feel much better getting that out in the open. Life is not all bad, there are a lot of negative feelings in the above post and seeing them all in one place is overpowering. But since I usually only share the good I guess its far to have all the bad here to.

Anything you have been to afraid to publish? Now is the time to share. I promise I won't judge.


  1. Girl, I feel the same way about the whole feeling behind thing! I want to go to school but can't afford it and can't get enough financial aid and I just hear the clock ticking. I feel like I'll be stuck serving food forever. You are definitely not alone in that! Also, the thought of settling down freaks me out, too! Josh is talking about buying a house and I am coming up with every excuse not to!

    1. Thanks so much for your wonderful comments. Its good to know everyone is struggling with something.

  2. I have anxiety and panic attacks as well. You are not alone!!!! Feel free to reach out. PRAYER definitely helps! xoxo

    1. Thanks so much for your kind words Amanda. Its great to know there are people out there to talk to.


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